Tits McGee

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

Tits McGee

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

Tits McGee

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.�

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

Tits McGee

:r ofl:
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Mikey

Little Johnny came home from school with a BIG smile on his face.

His mother noticed this, of course, and asked him, "Why the big grin,
Johnny?"

"I showed Sally Brown my weenie today at the playground", proudly replied
Johnny.

Before his mother could say a word, Johnny went on to say, "She said it
reminded her of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Johnny's Mom asked, "Really? She thought it
was small, did she?"

"No," Johnny replied, "salty."

Mikey

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my all everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

R1DON

these all fit robyn well....

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my all everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time![/QUOTE]

CBRF2Old

These are my personal favorites and some of them I live by.

R1DON

GENTLE THoughts for Today ...



Birds of a feather flock together . . .. .and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for..

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

R1DON

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3.. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11.. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Mikey

I overheard a conversation today between 2 girls

They were saying its stupid how guys can go sleep with a bunch of girls and be considered a God.

But when a girl sleeps with 2 guys a year and is considered a slut.

I heard them talk about this several times before so I decided to speak up

All I said was "If a key opens many locks, it's a Master key. But if a lock is opened by many keys then its just a shytty lock".

I probably won't be getting laid anytime soon

BuellCru

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was

transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without
Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):



Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble?’

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words

“went away”.’

Operator: Went away?'

Caller: They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: Nothing.'

Operator: Nothing?'

Caller: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: How do I tell?'

Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'

Caller: What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does

it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where

the power cord goes into it.. Can you see that?'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged

into the wall.’

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that

there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just

one?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find

the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the

back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean

way over?'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because

it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window.

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it

licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and

packing stuff your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up

just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store

you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f****n stupid to own a computer!!!!!

e11charlie

That one is hilarious.

Tits McGee

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

stubby

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !When they finished, the man
couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had
just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, ‘Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown!'

Nick1983

A fat grumpy lady pulls up and gets out of her car at Wal Mart. Her two kids are running around out of control. She walks in, grabs a cart, and the greeter says, "welcome to Wal-Mart!" "Whatever" she replies and then yells for her kids. As she walks by the greeter kneels down and asks the kids, "why aren't you two the cutest kids?! You two must be twins!" The lady looks at the greeter in disgust and says, "No! You moron, one is 8 and the other is 5! Why would say something so dumb?!"

The greeter looks up, still kneeled down, cracks a sly grin, and says, "Ma'am, I can't imagine anybody wanting to fuck you twice."

R1DON

i have always loved that one

R1DON

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

lil_schmitty

What about a helicopter! That is way cooler than #3.

Tits McGee

i take it your a pro at it?

lil_schmitty

You'll have to ask my wife ... motorboats and helicpters... they never get old.

Mikey

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.



1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.


3. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she really loves you, but and can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe there is some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.


4. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?



5. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.

Mikey

A woman is reading the newspaper when she suddenly bursts out laughing.
"Listen to this," she says to her husband. "There's a classified ad here that says a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

She looks at her husband with teasing eyes.

"Would you swap me for a season ticket?" she asks.

"Absolutely not," he says.

"How sweet," she says. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he replies.

Mikey

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 20 gallons of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!




































Why you scrolling down here, its your turn to say something

whitedevil

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his
office Christmas party.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.And,
next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table,
"Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping -- Love you,
Jill"

He stumbles to the kitchen, and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack
asks, "Son . . . what happened last night?"

Jack's son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out
of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door!"

Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean? I
have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me."

His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, "'Leave me alone, lady, I'm
married!'"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot breakfast - $4.20

Red rose bud - $3.00

Two aspirins - $0.35

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . Priceless