R1DON

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

scooterholic

that's pretty funny

stubby

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Mikey

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Pimpit

Wow i laughed so hard i cried lol and I am still laughing

R6Boise

i want to hear more

AndrewM87

Hahahah, all of them were great. Good on ya!

Mikey

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the
counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim
with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten
thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender
and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a
brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to
pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender
$10 which he stuffs into the jar.. "Okay," says the bartender,
"here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60
seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad
tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never
had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not
an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a
quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays
where it is.."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and
finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as
fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he
doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the
pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar
hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible
fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped
to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all
over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?"

Mikey

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Mikey

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

bigroar

A little boy sees his grandfather on the poarch drinking a beer and asks, "grandpa can i have a drink?"
Grandpa: "well young man, does your penis touch your butt hole?"
Boy: "uhhh no"
Grandpa:" well let me know when it does and we can talk"
The little boy not thinking much walks on aobut his business. Later that day he sees his grandpa on the porch again with a pipe and asks "can i have a puff of your pipe grandpa,"
Granpa: WEll young man, does your penis touch your butt hole?
The little boy, now upset does not answer and walks back in the house. He comes back out with a cookie and is stoped by his grandpa.
Grandpa, : hey boy is that a fresh baked cookie?
Boy: "it sure is, grandma gave it to me.
Grandpa, "can i have a bite of it?'
Boy: "well does your penis touch your butt hole?" he asks
Grandpa. "as a matter of a fact it does" he proudly states
the boy spimply responds as he walks off " good.... then go F##k yourself......

Ketchup57R1

A little known fact:

The first testicular guard "cup" was used in hockey in 1874,

The first helmet in hockey was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize their brain was also important.

R1DON

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me..."
"
Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab
it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"
"
OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

scharf2u

A piece of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender tells him to leave, they don't serve rope in this bar.
The rope goes outside and unravels himself.
He then returns to the bar.
The bartender says, hey didn't I just kick you out of here?
The rope says, nope I'm a frayed knot!

Mikey

Was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

Mikey

The Motel



When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the front desk:

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Mikey

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal man.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to think about it then come up with a short poem that contained that word.

The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.



He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu


The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.



The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu


The aboriginal won !

R1DON

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says, 'But sir, this is just a sperm bank'. 'I don't care!' he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says, 'Take one of those samples and drink it'. The nurse says, 'BUT, they're sperm samples!' 'DO IT!!!' So the nurse sucks it back. 'That one there, drink that one as well' So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the guy takes off his mask, and says, 'See honey, it's not that hard'

stubby

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem...

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello Son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

R1DON

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice
and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes, ma'am', and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'

Mikey

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

Mikey

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.
At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front
of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone
said their good-byes, the large heart opened up,
the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
'Why are you laughing, Mister?'
'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied.
'I'm a gynaecologist'

STR8UP41908

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after 3 ho's


That came from my 15 year old....lol

Tits McGee

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one
morning, 'Man, why you always so damn happy
when you come to work every day?'

Robert replied, 'That's because I make love to
my wife every morning before work.'

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife
to make love to him every morning.

'That's easy,' Robert said. 'I just tell her
this little poem that I made up.. She loves it!. It goes like this:
'Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love
to you!'

Tyrone said, 'Man, you white guys are so damn
sentimental.'

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a
try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife.

The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat
to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, 'Man, what happened to you?!'

Tyrone said, 'I don't know, man. I went home
and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.'

Well, what poem did you tell her?

Tyrone said: 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like
a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!'

Tits McGee

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

Tits McGee

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........
You got Nice house'

Tits McGee

How many zeros in a billion?

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans .

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for
250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528.
B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C < HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inher itance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... and our nation was the most
prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...

We had the largest middle class in the world... and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to press '1' for English.

I hope this goes around the USA at least 100 times.

What the heck happened??

Tits McGee

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
Bi1ch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!"

Tits McGee

Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation---no one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the
Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead
with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his
wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he
said,......'Fuck him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?


Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Tits McGee

> What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:
> 1. Take out your laptop.
> 2. Slowly open your laptop.
> 3. Turn it on.
> 4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
> 5. Open your internet browser.
> 6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
> 7. Breathe deeply and open the site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
> 8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

Tits McGee

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends whenSteven a tall,
Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.






The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......



Onone condition'






Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'




The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....






'Clean my house.

Tits McGee

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Tits McGee

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Tits McGee

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Tits McGee

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Tits McGee

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Tits McGee

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

Tits McGee

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!

Tits McGee

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Tits McGee

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."